Are we in a gay sports bar?
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
