I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
