pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
