so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
