I think I died a long time ago.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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