I'm pants shitting drunk right now
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
