No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
