my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
