I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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