I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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