I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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