im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize