I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
