My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize