I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
