i already hear my dad disowning me
my sisters under your porch take her home
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
