Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
