Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
