My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
We have so much sex to catch up on
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
