he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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