Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Pants are for mortals
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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