so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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