Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
