Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
