My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize