Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
