I want to stick my p in your. b.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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