I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
