She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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