I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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