Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
