Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
