Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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