Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize