Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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