I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
