The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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