Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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