I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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