Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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