i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
