if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
