i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
