Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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