I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
