i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
