Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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