i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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