I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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