Betty ford says i'm here all night
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
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