Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
