3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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