I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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