If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
