So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
