I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Randomize
