Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
