I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize