They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
