I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
