So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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