i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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