The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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