he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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