i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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