so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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